There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
