i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
