oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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