Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
