i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
