is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
