My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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