my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
