Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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