cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have fence marks all over my body
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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