Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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