Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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