K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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