If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
