Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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