Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
