hotel room ftw
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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