Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
