just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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