She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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