dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
