You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
