remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
