There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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