I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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