you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
