omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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