matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
