There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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