SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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