I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
