and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
