The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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