and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
