i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
