Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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