I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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