So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
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