32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
