I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
