I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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