Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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