Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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