i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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