I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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