What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
