it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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