I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
