My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
