Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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