Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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