I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm getting married
To pizza
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
