So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
