And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
