I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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