Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
