you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
